None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
A drum solo but on your face.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake: