None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
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Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
had to make it
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.