None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
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Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”