Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks