NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
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[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.