No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
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Gods work.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Simple enough.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Okey dokey.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Just a friendly reminder!
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy