NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
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The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”