noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please