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I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.