“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
You Might Also Like
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
SPLOOT
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
For the baby who has everything
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Straight people are cancelled
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early