Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

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My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband


OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won


Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.


As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.


[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?


“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you


It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter


I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.


Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now


My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.