Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
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My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes