Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

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Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.


Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?


I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.


While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.


Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?


My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?


My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.