Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

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Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.


To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.


God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald


I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.


On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.


I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)


if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night


I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.


If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.


*puts finger over your lips*


*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*