@JimmerThatisAll

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

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@The_Sculptress

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

@slyoung5

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

@LeMay666

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

@kelkulus

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

@claire_mudie

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

@Cpin42

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.