@JimmerThatisAll

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

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@QwertyJones3

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

@kanwetwitty

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

@EJGomez

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

@TheCiscoKidder

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

@ShesARealGenius

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

@pointbreakmask

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

@django

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

@WetzelGeek

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

@RobSprance

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

@AimeeHelene1

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*