Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
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[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler