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I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Perfection.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?