@jonnysun

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

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@GrantTanaka

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

@Holy_Mowgli

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

@Donna_McCoy

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

@briangaar

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

@onion_an

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

@imteddybless

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

@Tmoney68

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

@503jason

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks