a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks