Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
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ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*