normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
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Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..