normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
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My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this