Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
No, he would not have.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My dad.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college