@itsBABYSMITH

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

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@squirrel74wkgn

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

@ginnyhogan_

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

@Carbosly

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

@Dawn_M_

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

@curlymalloy

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

@caithuls

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

@garbagecoven

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

@SadMeterologist

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

@Home_Halfway

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram