normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
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Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?