@lukeplusone

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

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@asherperlman

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

@Lhlodder

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

@Brentweets

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

@Carbosly

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

@slimmy_shady

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

@SargaTeglaUt

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

@osigat

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

@_Kim_Jongun

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

@carlawh

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.