Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
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“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84