Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

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me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!


I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.


I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”


If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.


Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!


Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over


My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.


For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.


Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.