normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*