Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”