Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.