Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
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-have a good day
-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??