@StainsQueen
@SexyInsomniac If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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@SexyInsomniac 
@danjan13 Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
@PaperWash me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
@1followernodad guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
@saggiesplinters You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
@jwoodham In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
@GingerHotDish Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
@JohnLyonTweets Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
@mjkspeaks God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
@jimmytorosian Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”