Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
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*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
War & Peace
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right