Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
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Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof