Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
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Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Girl, same.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim