@mcdadstuff

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

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@Matt_The_1st

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

@ch000ch

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

@stevevsninjas

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

@sockher_mom

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

@audipenny

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

@Leslie_Annie

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

@kryzazzy

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

@Daveastated

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”