Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
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Look at all of these beautiful horse
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”