[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
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My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“Wait, let me explain..”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
BRO LMFAO
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.