North and South
You Might Also Like
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
*mops up wine with cat*
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Best spoiler warning ever
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
thank god the sign was there
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago