North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
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Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait