North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
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6: are snakes just neck?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Story of my life…..
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.