North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
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Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.