North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
The three genders
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?