North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!