Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Warm pools make me nervous.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.