Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
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simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.