*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
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my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
(True)
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?