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It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills