Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Children of the corn 🌽
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before