Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Dolls on drugs
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke