not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
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Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?