Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

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Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…


As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.


I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.


THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.


I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer


Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire


Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.


What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.


She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.