Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
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Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Me too
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)