“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
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Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Mmmm canned fish.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.