Not all heroes wear capes….
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Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.