Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
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BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*