Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
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I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
live, laugh, laundry.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me