Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

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Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!


Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.



ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family


99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire


My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.


I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.


[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe


ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before