Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
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…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
This classic never gets old . . .
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.