@NikiWithIssues

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

@DrakeGatsby

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

@dafloydsta

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

@Try2StopME

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

@pilau

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

@MarfSalvador

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

@HansGrubertron

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before