Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
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GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Good boy 😂😂
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*