Not even remotely sorry.
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.