Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
This one’s “Alex”.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)