NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
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Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.