Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
listen closely
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
cry laughing at this shit
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.