Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I’d rather go liquor treating.